During the week of Thanksgiving, my mom, my husband and I decided to have a repeat of our last Thanksgiving (really last event) that we had with my dad. We went to Delta Shores to camp in the motor home. We did the same things we did last year. Arrive Wednesday and relax. Football and dinner for Thanksgiving Thursday. Friday, we took a trip through several Lodi Wineries and got drunk…again. Saturday, more relaxing and fishing. Sunday, pack up a come back home. The significance of this trip for me was, I found that I had forgotten my depression medication. I’ve been thinking about stopping anyhow, so why not now. The week was a difficult one. Kind of emotional of course, but I also suffered pretty serious withdraw from stopping the meds cold turkey. I felt dizzy and nausious for pretty much the entire time. In fact, drinking wine actually helped to subside the effects of the withdraw.
I suffered the withdraw for 3 weeks. It was tough, but I survived. I can tell you that I will never put myself back on anti-depressants for as long as I live. As the meds wore off, I felt myself begin to feel again. I started to cry again. It was actually quite strange. It was like a block of ice was melting around me. The numbness that I didn’t even know I was experiencing was fading.
Then December 6th came around. I thought I would be fine, but in all actuality, I was not. I went to work to try to have a “business as usual” kind of day but instead found myself locking my office door and having “moments” throughout the day.
Now here I am, about a week from Christmas, and I feel the depression trying to creep back in. I don’t know if it’s from another Christmas without my dad or if it’s from me not really dealing with his death in the first place.
Either way, I still don’t want to cry about it and I still don’t really want to talk about it either.
