A Birthday Without My Dad

Today is my 35th birthday and it is the first one that I will experience no phone call from my dad to wish me a happy birthday. When I woke up this morning, I expected the day to be great. But it really hasn’t been. A dark cloud lingers over me and I can’t seem to shake it. Maybe this is the year when my birthday becomes like any other day. No real significance, other than an aging body and increased tiredness.
My birthday is the first of the year for my immediate family. So this is really just a small dose of what is to come. Next month, my son will turn 13 and my dad will miss it. Worse than that, my parents would have celebrated their 36th anniversary. But he’ll miss that too. I have no idea how I’m going to help my mom get through that day. Or if she’ll even let me help her. I know there are times when I just want to be alone in my home so I can weep if I choose, or throw things, or scream, or simply sleep. But I don’t have that option because I have small children and a husband. As it turns out, people think you need t have them around and when you try to escape, they force themselves into your space. I won’t do that to my mom. If she wants that day to herself, then I will give it to her.
Death sucks.