My mom and I have been spending a lot of time together lately. This is good because I really need her these days. And I know she needs me too. Although we don’t fully understand what each is feeling or going through, I think we still understand better than anyone else in our lives. I try to spend the night with her at least once every other week. She may think that this is for her, and in some ways it is. But its also for me. I need her. I need to be around her because she makes the pain a little softer, not so sharp. Its not anything she does in particular, its just her. She’s my mom and no matter how old we get, no one can ease pain like your mom.
She’s been staying the night here from time to time as well. The kids LOVE this. Think about it, how cool would it be if your grandma spent the night at your house as a kid. I never experienced this, but I know I would’ve loved it too. I was very close to my grandparents and I spent the night with them as much as I possibly could. I think mom enjoys staying here as well. I think she likes to see the happiness on my kids’ faces and I also think she enjoys the peace of knowing we are all okay that it brings. The bonus of her staying the night over here is everyone gets up and does chores. This is such a huge help to me. No one can get my family moving like my mom.
Despite the time we have been spending together, something has been missing. We don’t cry together. Don’t get me wrong, we do cry still, but usually its just one of us at a time. I think this stems from the protection we have over each other. When she cries, I want to be strong for her and vise versa. This past week though, was different. Mom came over to hang out with me and the kids. We drank some wine, like we always do. I cooked dinner. And we played silly Facebook games. Then, mom suddenly went outside. I felt something, not wrong, but different. She didn’t go out to smoke like usual, she just went out. So naturally, I followed. I sensed she needed me.
When I got outside, mom was just staring out into the street. She looked sad so I asked her if she was crying. She replied that she was. I didn’t even try to hold back the flood of tears that poured out of my eyes. We cried, hard and we talked about my dad. Our talk was private, so I will not share that, but I will say that I really needed that cry. I needed to get it out and I needed to just let go.
Its been 3 months since my dad left us and I miss him dearly. I still have my mom and for that I am so thankful. Its funny how the death of a parent can throw you back into your childhood.
